I miss you, Gairy....

Hello cyberworld,

I know that some of you addicts right now were scratching your necks cause there hadn't been a post in a while. I'm here to tell you that that is completely okay, but here I am, jacked and tan for all to see. So, let's start out with my first order of business, Gairy.

Gairy told you the part of the story that I didn't want to release to the press, and now you know why Gairy was forced into rehab. I didn't want to do it, but I was still a little shaky from my latest cycle and I couldn't understand the cops. They told me what happened while I was still doing my lat pulldown, so I just said yes to everything they said. That's okay though, Gairy will be out soon, hopefully before we hit up the beaches in Mexico!!! 

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Alright, now for the real reason I'm here. I'm here to talk a little about my workout, cause some of the ladies (like Pam) wanna know how I got so jacked. Let's just say that any normal human being would crap his pants if he even did my warmup sets. That's right, I'm calling all of you women out there who were talkin crap on the HoochPooch to even try my workout. I start out with a nice hour of "supplementing" up. Then, I stand in front of the mirror for about 30 minutes gettin myself jacked by assuring myself that no one can touch me. Then, I hit the gym.

I start off with a 3x20 bicep (yeah that's me) curls set with 75 lb dumbbells, that's right I curl with 75-pounders. By then, I have at least 3 ladies on each arm cause of my neck veins popping out and I curl them. Then, I usually sweet talk the lady at the desk to sneak me into the radio room so I can play the newest Nickelback CD cause "Photograph" is the most insane song since "Higher". By then, I'm ready for some squats. I hit that up until I can't feel my legs (which takes about an hour and a half) and I move towards my lat pulldowns. I don't know if you've ever seen me, but my lats are huge so, yeah, I can lift all the weight on the machine like 50 times without even breaking a sweat. 

Then, I'm done with my workout and go where every badass goes after a workout, Smoothie King. Does that make me a badass that I drink a large Strawberry Hulk after every workout? Yeah, a little bit. 

Now, before I leave you HoochPooch addicts, I need to ask something of you. I need a new lifting partner cause Gairy's gone for a lil bit. The requirements? You have to be a badass in every way, shape, and form. Do you drink Muscle Milk every day, 3 times a day? Do you go into at least one "supplement" rage every week? Are you a championship lifter who has made 3 men cry in the middle of their lift? Well, if you answered no to all of those things, then your probably still in the running to lift with me cause no one is as badass as me. You don't have to deny it, just accept it cause it's true. Anyways, message me on this crap to be considered for the Hooch's lifting partner. 

Always Jacked and tan,

Hooch

Here I am, enjoi.

Sup bitches?
This is: The Real Trill, Smokin' ; ) Hot, LAdykillA, GreenAgent, Ace in Ya Face, WoWfiend, Dope Boy, BrowN PaPer BaG HUSTLa, SMIZBIGAMY. (AKA) Gairy. Thats right roll out the red cyber carpets cuz you're about to catch my first post. But first.. I gotta eat my breakfast.

That shit was dank as hell. And now Im enjoying my b-fast dessert, some girl scout peanut better delights. Envy me fools.

Alright my topic for my first post is this: WHATEVER YOU LIKE, by T.I. music video. NOw we all know the basis of the Whatever you like song, but for any muddled fagtard who doesn't: The songs about T.I. being able to give all his bitches whatever they like. And throughout the song T.I. raps about gassing up his jet so his woman can go wherever she wants, drinking the fine Petron on ice, and even buying sum bitch a 5 million dollar crib.

So if T.I. has so much $, then why is he buyin his ho; hot wings, fries, and a pickle in the beginning of the music video. Are you telling me T.I. would rather buy some bitch a house then dinner at at least an Applebees. Go ahead and watch the video. See!!!! He tells her "It's gonna be a long night so I might as well feed ya" as they walk in some chicken wing shack in the hood. "Stacks on deck, Patron on ice"? more like; K-F-C, is too nice.

T.I., I'm not hatin but if you're gonna make a music video about how you can get bitches whatever they like, start the video out somewhere a little classier. (If Hooch rushes me to finish this blog one more time, it's going to become the Gairyand blog. Because I'm about to slit his throat with my dick!!!!)

Sorry folks Hooch and I are in a little bit of a tiff. You see the (I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna slit his throat with my Italian Stallion Shlong) other day when Hooch told you about my little lifting accident, he left out part of the story.

Remember the time when Hooch told you that we had that little "supplement" cocktail before our workout? Well I had a little cocktail on my own after Hooch went to go do a warm up jog. I call it a half a fifth of Smirnoff straight up. See Hooch wants me to go to AA, but I told him"Fuck no! That shits for cry babies and quitters!!!!" and I'll tell you right fuckin now that I am neither of those things. Anyway, after I pinched my fingers like Hooch told you, I proceeded to enter a drunken hulk like rage. It's times like these that discourage me from mixing ridiculous amounts of testosterone pills and the drink. The rest of the story is just what I skimmed from the police report. Apparently a staff member approached me when he saw me crying and holding my fingers, the following I would do even if I was sober, and when I saw him and realized he'd witnessed me shedding tears, I immediately gave him a smack down to disable his memory from the last 72 hours. Don't worry, they say when he wakes up it will be like he just took a nap. After I worked this guy over I "allegedly" tipped over a couple rows of lockers, ripped some shower heads out of the wall, and ate 32 power bars. I still hold my defense that it isn't me on the security cameras, but I got banned from the gym anyway. So Hooch is all PMSing about the fact that we cant workout at the gym together anymore. I don't care because I always thought they didn't have heavy enough dumbells anyway.

Aw great, speak of the devil there's Hooch bitchin at me now. Tellin me I' m smellin up the house with my devils lettuce. He fuckin' knows I cant help how dank my shit reeks. Well I gotta rap this up for now. I've got a meeting with the Darth Vapors at Anne Franks house. And then I've gotta make Hooch his grilled cheese sandwich for dinner. I on the other hand, will be dining at the fine B. Mizell's with my lady friend.

Wish me luck, and wish for Hooch to step in a puddle of mud and get his pants dirty.

- Da Gairy

Where is Gairy?

What's crackin HoochPoochophiliacs?

This is Hooch again, and some of you might be asking yourself where's Gairy and I have a very tragic story to tell you.

It all started yesterday, after I wrote my first post. My boy Gairy and I decided it would be a wise idea to go to the gym to get jacked before our male swimsuit competish tomorrow. We took a couple of "supplements" and started to lift. I was hittin the bench press pretty hard while Gairy was killin it with the spot/air guitar(During that killer solo in Headstrong) and I was feeling good. We racked it and it was Gairy's turn. He put on 2 plates and a 25 and started reppin that like it was his F'in job. It probably had somethin to do with that little cocktail we made in the locker room. He was gettin a little crazy so I told him to rack it. So he proceeded to throw the bar in the air and move his hands out to get one wide grip rep in. He then started to rack it but forgot he was in wide-grip. His fingers got crushed under the weight.

That might sound pretty F'in intense but I want to let everyone know that Gairy is okay. He just sprained his ring finger on each hand and can't type. So, I am posting another blog to crave the urges of the Hoochpooch nation out there.
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Time for the real topic, Springbreak.

Yeah, I know it's coming up, and yeah, I know that me and Gairy are gonna be up to our necks in ladies during that crazy month. I know, some of you might be askin why I said "month" and the reason is that the GairBear and HoochPooch don't feel that one week is sufficient for our partying/gettin jacked that we like to do over the break. Plus, the Gairscare and I just got fired from our jobs at GNC, partially because we were using it to sell our homeade energy drink, H3O. And we scared a couple kids into threatening lawsuits against us for hurting them emotionally (NO ONE TAKES PICTURES IN GNC!!!). Yeah, me and the Gairscare are hittin up Mexico, no matter how many colleges warn against it. Hopefully they got enough sun to cover the HoochPooch cause I'm gettin my tan on. The sickest thing about this trip is gonna be the drive up there, we're gonna be blasting our Papa Roach mixtape all the way up. Im gonna stop in Tijuana, catch a donkey show, and then pick up some ladies to go to Cancun with us. It's not gonna be hard to find em cause they'll be crawlin all over our car when we get there.

Gairy says hey to all you and I wanna give a shoutout to my man FRNG who's goin to Mexico with us, it's gonna be a month long party.

Stay Jacked and Tan,
Hooch

Getcha popcone, It's GairyandHooch

Hello cyberworld,

This be Hooch, the most badass man you'll ever meet (Besides Gairy). Im here to tell you about myself. I'm about 5'6'' 190, but I bench 250. I've been asked if I take steroids, of course I do. How else can you be as jacked as I am? But, seriously, guys like A-Rod are ruining it for us. I mean, why would you mention what juice you were taking? Just admit you took it and then move on. Or else, our market is gonna completely close. 

Now, let's move on to my next topic, bodybuilding. I've been bodybuilding since I was 9, and now I'm 23. So, you can imagine what it's like to be me, cause I have been jacked and tan since I was 12. At every competition I take one look at the nine-year-old girls I compete against and laugh cause I know that I got it in the bag. Some might ask, are people juicin in the locker room before the competition but I'm here to tell you that I ain't no snitch, but I think you know the answer to that question. Anyways, I do like 500 kilos on hang snatch, so yeah, I'm F'in good. 

Some of you might wanna ask me, Hooch, what do you listen to while your getting jacked and tan? Now, most magicians don't give away their secrets, but i will. I basically go on a steady diet of Creed, and Trapt, with a little Papa Roach thrown in there for good measure. It gets me jacked, and you have to lift hard when "Headstrong" comes on. Me and my bro Gairy probably go to the gym 4 times a week and we sneak into the room with the radio and put our CD in. It has 4 songs on repeat (Higher, Headstrong, Last Resort, and With Arms Wide Open) and it totally gets everyone in the gym grunting while they're gettin their swell on. 

So, ladies, don't get too excited yet cause there's more of the HoochPooch comin at ya.

Always Jacked and Tan,

Hooch